my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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