ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
