I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
