Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
