Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
BRING THE BAGELS
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
