She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
