Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
