Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
