Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
