also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
