I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
