Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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