My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My vagina is very pro this idea
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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