She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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