mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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