Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
