the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
