I just made out with a guy for $7.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
