Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
