One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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