I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I CAN MOONWALK!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
