Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
