Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Someone shattered a urinal.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
