I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I look better un-naked...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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