Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
