So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
