Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
