great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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