Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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