I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
