We're like a lot better than the average bears
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
