I think im going to throw up on grandma
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i think i have two assholes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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