i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
