This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
