hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
