I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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