"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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