That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
