I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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