I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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