More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
