We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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