yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
