she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
