Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
