I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
