then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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