Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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