When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Randomize
