How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I cannot find my penis.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
