True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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