theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
