So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
